Yank On Your Wish Boner

As another Thanksgiving rears its head for us to spend time with family and friends, and to eat shitty food no one really likes, let us all pause to remember those of our ancestors who allowed for us to sit in peace and eat until we are literally uncomfortable.

Let us give thanks and be glad that pioneers like Boner Adams stormed the beaches of what they thought were the West Indies, raped a bunch of women, threw a bunch of babies into roaring fires, and beheaded most of the men. Later that night, everyone really calmed down and had some chow at the same table.

Also, the settlers gave the Indians the plague. Haha, take that, Indians!

Above, Boner is seen posing next to his Thanksgiving meal. He never much cared for turkeys, and opted for deer meat instead. Allegedly he liked the taste of the blood running down his lips as he sneered at his children and slapped his wives.

"Thanksgiving? Ha! Give me some slaves and I shall thank them 

with more work! But the giving - tis a gift, giving is! Give me some 

more slaw for my plate and some adhesive for your lips!"

- Boner Adams, circa 1707

Boner's Business

In the fall of 1778, after being released from prison, Boner desired a new business venture. His mass shoe production company, while profitable, wasn't satisfying to Boner the Businessman. And so, just before Christmas of that same year, Boner opened Boner's Negro & General Supply Store.

Marketing posters of a sadly-shrugging Boner in blackface and wrapped in chains posed to his potential customers the question: "Won't you bring home a Negro for your grandfather? I got nowhere else to go. And I got my own broom."

Sales skyrocketed. Boner literally laughed as he rung up hundreds of Negroes a week ($5 per man, $3 per woman and child).

Boner reasoned his success was based on pure logistics:

"Why break my own back, sir? Or you yours? Why plow the fields and scrub the cow's utters when these heathens can be forced to do it? I'd rather sit in my rocking chair and ask God if I've made him proud this day. Me thinks I have!"

On New Year's Eve of 1778, Boner was so pleased with his booming business that he sold a bundle pack of one Negro and two bags of dried corn husks for $7. Citizens were ecstatic. Boner laughed again.

"$5 a Negro! More than fair, I say! And the Bible finds this justifiable! Oh, where does it say that? I believe somewhere in the back."

Oh, Boner.

Why Boner?

One of the many queries that my mother and my internet girlfriend who lives in Canada pose to me:

"Why study such a reprehensible man?  Why not chronicle the history of someone far more noble--like Henry Ford?"

To you--and them--I can only say that if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it.

But don't take my word for it.

Here is an excerpt from Boner's long out of print memoir, Tonight, We Duel:

"I oft enjoy curling up by the fireside,

with my negroes giving me a well-earned back rub,

and my wife sobbing uncontrollably on her fainting couch,

and crack open one of the numerous volumes of World History

I have on my shelves--right next to that human boy skull.

History is what makes us who we are.  Without History,

we would be nothing more than beasts,

or lower than beasts,

like these black skinned devils who are currently

rubbing their half-dark half-light hands on my spine."

Happy Halloween!

Boner's Shoes Were Made for Walkin'

Boner's Multitudinous Expedited Shoe Production thrived for nearly fifty years, a company inherited from his father, Weatherby, who was killed in a freak lips accident. Hiring an array of Negro children and the housewives of his associates, the shoe machines were oiled and repaired and unclogged on a daily basis. For Christmas, Boner would give his staff those shoes which were over-steamed from the previous year and deemed unwearable by his particular eye.

Found in a diary of one of those Negro workers was sound proof of Boner's dedication to his craft, as well as his eternal struggle to constantly improve himself, the industry, and even Moral America:

"Tis is a fine shoe ye have made, Samuel - but tell me, 

will it keep ye animals from our women 

like the mongrel sheep dog protects its flock?"

Again, while Boner's words may seem callous and deeply hateful in our modern age, one must remember the time in which he lived. Racial tensions weren't just about inappropriate comments made on radio programs or stand-up comedy specials - there was a true question of inferiority amongst the blacks and whites, so much that prominent white families would sell their slaves to another family like you or I would sell each other a Shinedown CD on Amazon.com.

A Candid Look at Boner

This photo was taken just after Boner's first term. The photographic company, Boning & Small, intensely campaigned for Boner's re-election, having been heavily inspired by one of Boner's speeches he'd recited during his first term:

"To all men big and small, Boner Adams is a servant of the people, 

and should the Negros detest my presence, 

I will smite them with my father's hammer."

Though his beliefs at the time would certainly be deemed as insensitive and cruel today, the small company of Boning & Small never felt more enthusiastic about their nation's leaders, and that is how B&S got its name.