Boner Adams had many wives. Indeed, it is believed he had so many that we've actually lost track of several of them--at least fifteen wives are known only as "Wife (deceased)."
But of all the many women who laid down with Boner Adams, the one we know the most about is his first wife, Mary Folkcraft Griswold.
She was a school teacher from Kentucky, and though she was not even in the least bit attractive (like Megan Fox or that girl from the Daily Show who is always in her bra), Boner was smitten with her.
During their courtship, Boner penned several correspondence to her, all of which can be viewed (for a large fee) at the Boner Adams Library, in Russia.
I've spent hours pouring over these letters, and I'd like to share one with you now, dated December 12th:
December 12th
My fair Titty (Boner's pet name for Mary),
Does your bonny cheek lay bare on your bed made of bear hide? Oh, oft I have dreamed of taking you, naked and covered in hog fat, into my Sex Barn, and ripping your five corsets off. Some may think this lewd of me, and to them I say, BANG, as I shoot them in their fucking mouths. Ha!
Mary, you must believe me when I tell you you have a behind that makes my mouth fill up with juice. I long to sink my wooden teeth into your nose, and taste the sputum within. Sweet girl, do not keep me waiting. Mount your horse and come to me post haste. And when you do, be sure to ride completely nude. I know it is a 500 mile ride, and very cold, but the brisk air will be sure to make your nips stand out like daggers, and how I would love to see that.
Boner cut her head off on their 5th wedding anniversary.
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