My brother, Grizzly:
Your problem concerning the hairy bears is quite perplexing, I can agree! Perhaps you could ensnare them in some device which punts them feverishly in the brain? This way when the animal is docile you may swoop in and remove their eyes and ears for the Indians who have kidnapped your wife for ransom!
But onto other topics:
My son, Jaundy, has secretly begun taking his sister's ladypants into the bathroom and fancying himself a developed male! The missus is distraught and the slaves laugh daily at Jaundy's behavior. I know not what to do, my brother. Perhaps I should push him off a mountain like Pa did to our brother years ago when he was caught picking lilies in Augustus Field.
My wife has given birth to our seventh child. I shall put him in the grave with the five others. Must that woman strangle them so in her womb! I dare say she is cursed to sever the Adams bloodline henceforth! Why does God punish me so?
Lastly, I've begun an affair with a local woman who calls her self Loosey Lucy. She screams during pleasure and pulls on my beard, which I must tell you I find quite vexing. Should she continue this behavior, I may fill her mouth with tar and set her on fire and let the coyotes strip the flesh from her bones! I believe her sister perished in a similar manner when she pulled on my beard during coitus.
I must go now, my brother - the slaves are singing their slave songs and yet the firewood is not stacked for the oncoming winter. They will pay for their insubordination. I shall send you some stretched skin from their backs once it is harvested.
My love to your dog.
Boner A.
Boner Adams frequently wrote letters to his brother Grizzly, and this was just one of hopefully many that will be featured here.
And just like Boner, I too must go! My dinner is beeping.
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