Yank On Your Wish Boner

As another Thanksgiving rears its head for us to spend time with family and friends, and to eat shitty food no one really likes, let us all pause to remember those of our ancestors who allowed for us to sit in peace and eat until we are literally uncomfortable.

Let us give thanks and be glad that pioneers like Boner Adams stormed the beaches of what they thought were the West Indies, raped a bunch of women, threw a bunch of babies into roaring fires, and beheaded most of the men. Later that night, everyone really calmed down and had some chow at the same table.

Also, the settlers gave the Indians the plague. Haha, take that, Indians!

Above, Boner is seen posing next to his Thanksgiving meal. He never much cared for turkeys, and opted for deer meat instead. Allegedly he liked the taste of the blood running down his lips as he sneered at his children and slapped his wives.

"Thanksgiving? Ha! Give me some slaves and I shall thank them 

with more work! But the giving - tis a gift, giving is! Give me some 

more slaw for my plate and some adhesive for your lips!"

- Boner Adams, circa 1707

Boner's Business

In the fall of 1778, after being released from prison, Boner desired a new business venture. His mass shoe production company, while profitable, wasn't satisfying to Boner the Businessman. And so, just before Christmas of that same year, Boner opened Boner's Negro & General Supply Store.

Marketing posters of a sadly-shrugging Boner in blackface and wrapped in chains posed to his potential customers the question: "Won't you bring home a Negro for your grandfather? I got nowhere else to go. And I got my own broom."

Sales skyrocketed. Boner literally laughed as he rung up hundreds of Negroes a week ($5 per man, $3 per woman and child).

Boner reasoned his success was based on pure logistics:

"Why break my own back, sir? Or you yours? Why plow the fields and scrub the cow's utters when these heathens can be forced to do it? I'd rather sit in my rocking chair and ask God if I've made him proud this day. Me thinks I have!"

On New Year's Eve of 1778, Boner was so pleased with his booming business that he sold a bundle pack of one Negro and two bags of dried corn husks for $7. Citizens were ecstatic. Boner laughed again.

"$5 a Negro! More than fair, I say! And the Bible finds this justifiable! Oh, where does it say that? I believe somewhere in the back."

Oh, Boner.

The First Wife of Boner Adams

Boner Adams had many wives.  Indeed, it is believed he had so many that we've actually lost track of several of them--at least fifteen wives are known only as "Wife (deceased)."

But of all the many women who laid down with Boner Adams, the one we know the most about is his first wife, Mary Folkcraft Griswold.

She was a school teacher from Kentucky, and though she was not even in the least bit attractive (like Megan Fox or that girl from the Daily Show who is always in her bra), Boner was smitten with her.

During their courtship, Boner penned several correspondence to her, all of which can be viewed (for a large fee) at the Boner Adams Library, in Russia.

I've spent hours pouring over these letters, and I'd like to share one with you now, dated December 12th:

December 12th

My fair Titty (Boner's pet name for Mary),

Does your bonny cheek lay bare on your bed made of bear hide?  Oh, oft I have dreamed of taking you, naked and covered in hog fat, into my Sex Barn, and ripping your five corsets off.  Some may think this lewd of me, and to them I say, BANG, as I shoot them in their fucking mouths.  Ha!  

Mary, you must believe me when I tell you you have a behind that makes my mouth fill up with juice.  I long to sink my wooden teeth into your nose, and taste the sputum within.  Sweet girl, do not keep me waiting.  Mount your horse and come to me post haste.  And when you do, be sure to ride completely nude.  I know it is a 500 mile ride, and very cold, but the brisk air will be sure to make your nips stand out like daggers, and how I would love to see that.

Boner cut her head off on their 5th wedding anniversary.

A Letter To Boner's Brother, Grizzly

This letter was found among the personal effects of Grizzly Adams after his death. The letter is dated October 10, 1806. It smelled of beard and honeydew. A direct transcription follows:

My brother, Grizzly:

Your problem concerning the hairy bears is quite perplexing, I can agree! Perhaps you could ensnare them in some device which punts them feverishly in the brain? This way when the animal is docile you may swoop in and remove their eyes and ears for the Indians who have kidnapped your wife for ransom!

But onto other topics:

My son, Jaundy, has secretly begun taking his sister's ladypants into the bathroom and fancying himself a developed male! The missus is distraught and the slaves laugh daily at Jaundy's behavior. I know not what to do, my brother. Perhaps I should push him off a mountain like Pa did to our brother years ago when he was caught picking lilies in Augustus Field.

My wife has given birth to our seventh child. I shall put him in the grave with the five others. Must that woman strangle them so in her womb! I dare say she is cursed to sever the Adams bloodline henceforth! Why does God punish me so?

Lastly, I've begun an affair with a local woman who calls her self Loosey Lucy. She screams during pleasure and pulls on my beard, which I must tell you I find quite vexing. Should she continue this behavior, I may fill her mouth with tar and set her on fire and let the coyotes strip the flesh from her bones! I believe her sister perished in a similar manner when she pulled on my beard during coitus.

I must go now, my brother - the slaves are singing their slave songs and yet the firewood is not stacked for the oncoming winter. They will pay for their insubordination. I shall send you some stretched skin from their backs once it is harvested.

My love to your dog.

Boner A.

Boner Adams frequently wrote letters to his brother Grizzly, and this was just one of hopefully many that will be featured here.

And just like Boner, I too must go! My dinner is beeping.

Election Day

I voted for Ballot. Who did you vote for?

That was a joke I just did.

Elections are important, folks. More important than BSG or that series of moon craters which may or may not be a face. Elections determine which group of people are going to ruin our lives: the crazy, egg-sucking folks still trapped in the 18th century, or the groups of kids in adult-sized clothes who hide under their desks whenever someone speaks above a whisper.

I wish a certain Boner were still alive, because I would vote for him in a second. And I bet all you moderners think this is the first time healthcare has ever been as big an issue as it is now, but that's simply not true.

Why, as early as 1820, in his re-election campaign against Democrat Jammy James, Boner was quoted as saying:

"Should a man bleed from his face just because he has not 
the gold nuggets in which to pay a slave to spit out some of 
his magical voodoo slime? Should a woman bleed from her hair 
hole because she has not the wooden coins in which to pay a 
slave child to plug her up with some pulp grass, mystical rhymes, 
and chives? Must we always use the same river in which to dispose our 
deformed babies?

My fellow Americans, I dream of a place where fine, upstanding 
citizens can receive free care from a doctor and his many leeches. 
And I suppose the Negroes can go see the horse doctor for a mere shilling, 
so long as they are back to prepare my yellow potatoes."

I hope you all make the right choice at the polls today, readers. I know I have. I voted for Boner (in my dreams).

Happy Halloween: Part II

 A scary Ghoulaween to you, readers! As I fill my trick-r-treat baskets with rolled up Boner Adams fact sheets, my belly fills with the anticipation of another fun-filled night. My girlfriend Helena and I are skyping (whatever that is) and I have dug out all of my framed Boner photos and placed them around me (because he loved Halloween). Know how I know this? On Halloween of 1802, Boner dressed up as a Native American and said:

"The legend of All Hallows began with rape and it 
will end there, this I do assure you. The Indian - the 
beast of all men - savaged our lands and slapped 
our women and threw our babies to the inferno. This
is why I institute 'Kill the Red Man Day' - for every 
Indian hide you hang from your rooftops, I award you 
a jar of my wife's fine paste. 

Go forth, my brothers, and cleanse this land of all trogs!" 

Boner's actions were sanctioned and he was fined three cows for his outspokenness, especially considering we were supposed to be playing nice with the natives at the time. You know, for stealing their land and all.

Happy Halloween

I think it's safe to assume that I have chosen the visage of Boner this Halloween. Regrettably our country produces plenty of Obama or Hilary Clinton masks, but none for poor Boner. Pictured above is a picture of the closest mask I could find (it was taken in my bathroom, where it's the darkest).

What will you be for Halloween, readers?

Hopefully not a "woman" - or else Boner might flog you!

Just kidding.

Halloween Halloween! Or Sow-wow-wan as they called it in the past!

Why Boner?

One of the many queries that my mother and my internet girlfriend who lives in Canada pose to me:

"Why study such a reprehensible man?  Why not chronicle the history of someone far more noble--like Henry Ford?"

To you--and them--I can only say that if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it.

But don't take my word for it.

Here is an excerpt from Boner's long out of print memoir, Tonight, We Duel:

"I oft enjoy curling up by the fireside,

with my negroes giving me a well-earned back rub,

and my wife sobbing uncontrollably on her fainting couch,

and crack open one of the numerous volumes of World History

I have on my shelves--right next to that human boy skull.

History is what makes us who we are.  Without History,

we would be nothing more than beasts,

or lower than beasts,

like these black skinned devils who are currently

rubbing their half-dark half-light hands on my spine."

Happy Halloween!

Diary Excerpt: April, 1807

One of my many eBay acquisitions when it comes to President Boner Adams was one of his many journals. To think such history as this is given away on eBay for a mere $8,400 dollars is a travesty, but I digress - now that I own such a piece of history, it is my responsibility and privilege to share it with all Boner enthusiasts.

An interesting except from the journal of Boner Adams, dated April 14, 1807:

The horseman’s boy gave me the eyes again today as I groomed
my steed for my rock load. He’s perceived by me to be of the
peculiar sort, but of what attention the boy requests of me I do
not know. I wonder if perhaps he is of the sort who prefers the
member of a man, rather than the soft touch of a woman’s
beard-lined womb opening. I shall be keeping an eye on him
for the moment, lest I become some kind of pattycake whose
chest provides the pillow for another fancy man’s weary head.

 But onto another matter:

Again I spied that bastard Jackleton crossing my fence to pinch
at the teats of my cows, for his this season are giving sour milk.
Chased him I did with my musket aimed at his backside, and
surely he did flee in terror from my threats. “Get over yonder
to your own abode, posthaste!” I did shout to Jackleton. “Cross
that barrier again and I shall introduce you to my vengeful
God – personally!”

I see no further conflicts with my thieving neighbor, but I shall
keep you informed, my diary.

Mavis made mutton for dinner and I heaved it dryly in the
backyard near the pig pen. As the slave boy wiped off my
shoes, I wondered with irony if I might sometime soon be feasting
among the vile pig who so greedily slurped at my heavings.

Life is a pitiful, barren thing.

 There is more to come, Boner fans!

Boner's Shoes Were Made for Walkin'

Boner's Multitudinous Expedited Shoe Production thrived for nearly fifty years, a company inherited from his father, Weatherby, who was killed in a freak lips accident. Hiring an array of Negro children and the housewives of his associates, the shoe machines were oiled and repaired and unclogged on a daily basis. For Christmas, Boner would give his staff those shoes which were over-steamed from the previous year and deemed unwearable by his particular eye.

Found in a diary of one of those Negro workers was sound proof of Boner's dedication to his craft, as well as his eternal struggle to constantly improve himself, the industry, and even Moral America:

"Tis is a fine shoe ye have made, Samuel - but tell me, 

will it keep ye animals from our women 

like the mongrel sheep dog protects its flock?"

Again, while Boner's words may seem callous and deeply hateful in our modern age, one must remember the time in which he lived. Racial tensions weren't just about inappropriate comments made on radio programs or stand-up comedy specials - there was a true question of inferiority amongst the blacks and whites, so much that prominent white families would sell their slaves to another family like you or I would sell each other a Shinedown CD on Amazon.com.

A Candid Look at Boner

This photo was taken just after Boner's first term. The photographic company, Boning & Small, intensely campaigned for Boner's re-election, having been heavily inspired by one of Boner's speeches he'd recited during his first term:

"To all men big and small, Boner Adams is a servant of the people, 

and should the Negros detest my presence, 

I will smite them with my father's hammer."

Though his beliefs at the time would certainly be deemed as insensitive and cruel today, the small company of Boning & Small never felt more enthusiastic about their nation's leaders, and that is how B&S got its name.